This post is brought to you on the back of absolute delight in the kindness and enthusiasm shown by you folk across the globe who have dropped on by to take a read. I sense it is a sign that I have found my people. I intend this to be a conversation so please comment or slink on in to my DMs with your thoughts and experiences.
I arrived at the darkened empty salon after hours, the owner led me to a chilly upstairs room where I was greeted with billowing clouds of my own breath. The lady in her casuals herded me into a chipboard booth of which I can only describe as operating theatre chic. Silent, stern and flood lit. The opposite of the candle lit earth tones of previous experiences.
I undressed and slithered under sheets, still uncertain if I were to receive genuine rubs or an organ harvest. It was unpleasant at best; I was massaged with erratic painful pummels, shivering under cloth. Thankfully, an obnoxious ringtone sounded from a pocket, a swift apology and we were back in, right in the dark meats.
There was little shame as the vintage Nokia chimed once more, answered with a conversation carried on outside of the open air station. Sweet relief, no more pretending. The woman returned and time for the facial. Taking extra caution to feign bliss I faced the harsh ring light dangling a few feet above my eyes.
The “therapist” narrates the skin care as I am informed of my oily skin, also likened to that of a post-menopausal woman which was very conflicting just in time for the hard sell on skin care products. “The Birtley Massage” has left me questioning my own reality for a time
The sensory nightmare says more about me than the backyard salon. It was a Groupon, and I did not expect wonderful things but why did I stay? I was partly curious to see how it unfolded and most of me has been primed since birth to people please. This event was a turning point, drawing a line under a lifetime of doing many things that I did not want to do. I politely left with a smile and a thank you and thereafter tossed aside all the shit we grin and bear with daily.
This post is not here to solidify the fears of those who would find a spa day a punishment. Personally, I am all about massage for instant feel good. I have had many a positive experience, well versed massage therapists are wizards. I once met a woman who did a cold read on my joints and knew specifically how I sat on chairs, where I carried my child and all the other terrible habits I have acquired. Trigger release massage is beyond special.
The capitalistic element to well-being, I find utterly gross and as mentioned in a previous post there is a myriad of practitioners there to take your coin. Some evidence based and some woo, which if you are informed and consenting, be in it for the woo. Common practices with measured benefits can, as we have learned, be delivered offensively. Not to take away from the holistic wizards with years of training and experience.
I would be intrigued to see a true preventative approach to healthcare where such services were prescribed or subsidised. Being closely observed, vulnerable and mostly naked in the presence of a stranger I get is not for everyone. My professional rubs have been safe and unjudged except for when they were not. There is an overwhelm of practitioners and practices out there making and it difficult to make informed choices. Yoni steams (please somebody take this as their drag name), cupping, floating, the dreaded ear candles, gong baths, juice fasts. The list is rapidly growing.
If only there was a person who would expose themselves to all the bothering and weirdness, for science? I feel a quest stirring in my bones. On the back of this there are some genuinely great practitioners in the northeast who are amazing in their own unique ways. Here are the Yoga & Chips top picks.
Top of the list for inclusion and accessibility is Heatons Shanti Bee, a special place indeed. It is a grass roots social enterprise with a community-based approach to wellness. There are various practitioners operating out of the building. Apart from the other amazing things that happen here (clothes swaps, yoga and various therapies) the pricing is tier-based meaning some massage is heavily discounted or free. As an academic studying health inequality this really has a place in my heart and sets the bar for how accessible feeling good should be.
Vanessa at Perfect Pressure in Ryton makes the list as she is highly skilled, I could instantly feel her experience in the way she could read my body for wear and tear. I said goodbye to lumps I had been carrying around for years and felt reborn the following day. She provides various packages including mother daughter and tween pamper days which is quite niche.
I must include Sunderland Sports Massage and Sports Injury Clinic. It is a low-key city centre space offering several types of massage. This was a unique experience for me which required lots of rest after the clever work as my body felt like a bruise for a few days but thereafter left me very bendy, supple, and energised. I would certainly frequent more often if I was not a starving artist.
What is your idea of luxurious self care? If you could splurge on a new well-being experience, what would you choose? What was your “Birtley Massage”? What is the silliest well-being practice you have encountered?
